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Ten questions and answers about BDSM concepts

1. Are there any standard BDSM concepts?
   Several BDSM concepts are more or less standard and generally accepted. These are:
   
   • Safe, sane and consensual - Whatever you (plan to) do, be aware of what you are about to enter into and how to perform your actions with relative physical and psycholigical safety. BDSM is best compared to extreme sports. Full safety as well as trying to exclude or prevent all risks is impossible, which is why the more modern approach is called RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)
   • Next, what you do should be sane. Ordering your submissive partner to jump off a 25 story building is NOT sane, hence is not BDSM, but (power)abuse
   • A better term for consensual is informed and voluntary (in this order), meaning that both partners should have a reasonable understanding of what they are about to enter into, the potential risks and consequences of their actions. They should enter into this of their own free will. A simple "yes" is often not enough, since this may simply be the result of sexual or other arrousal, the will to please or not wanting to spoil the fun.
   
   
2. Safewords
   The safeword BDSM concept is an emergency break, designed to allow partners to stop the action whenever there is an emergency or something becomes too scary, annoying, threatening or otherwise inappropriate.
   
   When agreed upon safewords are SACRED and should be respected at all times. Safewords can be anything. They were designed because such things as "ouch", "stop", or "no..no..no" may have a very different meaning in a steamy scene. Hence people will pick odd words, like "strawberry" or "tugboat". Using the colors of a traffic light is a widely used form of safewording.
   
   The exact word or phrase and what it means are negociated and established PRIOR to any action and the dominant regularly checks if his or her partner remembers the safeword or wants to use it. Safewords by the way can be used by all partners involved.
   
   
3. Taking ownership of your actions
   Whatever it is, you entered into, you made that decision and you are responsible for the consequences of your own decisions. If it did not work out the way you envisaged, you only have yourself to blame. If you overlooked an important detail that is YOUR fault, nobody elses. If you screw up, you screw up.
   
   
4. Negociation
   You negociate what it is you want and do not want to do PRIOR to the event. Negociation is a form of communication to establish common ground and common interests, turn ons and turn offs in order to create the best possible options for both.
   
   
5. What about common sense?
   BDSM is something for adult, well-adjusted, reasonably educated people. However, hormones, the action, the desires, the lust, the anxiety, the atmosphere all tend to get in the way, when it comes to common sense. Regular evaluation and communication - in an open and honest way and preferably outside the role-specific situation is a helpful BDSM concept. Regular communication is paramount.
   
   When it comes to BDSM concepts nothing is carved in stone. People change, situations change, desires change. As you progress you learn, you adept, you discover. Especially newcomers have a tendency to have very explicit opinions about what should and should not be done. More experienced people already know that things, people and their opinions, needs and boundaries, change over time.
   
   
6. Why is there so much emphasys on teaching?
   Especially when BDSM is new to you, you may find yourself in a situation that is new to most: BDSM is something you have to learn.
   Teaching is one of the important BDSM concepts. There are many different technical skils, such as how to (safely) handle a whip or how to perform Japanese bondage. But on top of that, BDSM is a complex psychological and relational thing and often not easy to handle, without sufficient background, knowledge and understanding.
   
   
7. Do you always have to use safewords?
   The BDSM concept of using safewords is rather alien to many people, especially those in a permanent relationship. Safewords are a must for incidental meetings, newbees and one night stands. As people get to know each other better, the need to use safewords vanishes.
   
   In some situations safewords are not a good idea. This is best explained with a few examples. In the event a bondage rope is too tight and a limb starts to tingle or is slowly getting numb, a safeword can be used safely. However, if you are fainting you will not be able to even remember your safeword and "I feel dizzy" or "I am fainting" is more efficient information. Never totally rely on safewords, but use plain language as well.
   
   
8. Who is responsible?
   There is a widely spread misunderstanding about responsibility: the misconception that the dominant either has the sole responsibility or at least most of it. This is not the case. All partners involved are adults, hence solely responsible for their own decisions and actions. They have a shared and EQUAL responsibility. Placing too much responsibility on the shoulders of one is irresponsible, unrealistic and unfair.
   
   
9. What is right and what is wrong?
   There are very little "rights" or "wrongs" in BDSM. It is a personal choice and experience. See it as a game of golf, the only sport where you are both player and referee at the same time. Within a few BDSM concepts, such as being risk aware, common sense, consensuality and safety awareness, you and only you determine the rules of the game.
   
   Stear clear from those, who will tell you there is only one (usually "their") format and that you "should" do this or that. While some of that probably is true for technical skills, safety issues and protocol, nobody can know or understand what you feel or how the two of you shape and form your relationship. Information can help you find your own path, so can the experience of others but in the end only you decide.
   
   
10. What's with all this "experience" stuff?
    The Internet especially brought about many misconceptions. One of these is the word (and inherent qualification) "experience". Experience is not one of the BDSM concepts. Submissive people these days only seem to want to go for relationships with "experienced dominants". In doing so they conveniantly seem to forget that "experienced dominants" first of all usually already have a partner and that everyone at some point started out with step one. The first question to ask yourself is "experience with what?" Someone who has been handling whips for ten years may not know anything about how to handle a relationship, for example. And a relationship encompasses much more than just the BDSM-aspects of it. Besides, BDSM by definition is a people thing. You need at least one other person to live or act out your BDSM emotions. What happened between you and a previous partner is probably entirely different from what happens between you and your current or prospective partner.