Information menu - Jump to:

About BDSM | Culture of power | Concepts | Sexually Transmitted Diseases or STD | BDSM lingo | BDSM Events & parties | BDSM Lifestyle | BDSM Safety | BDSM Attributes | Fetishism

Ten questions and answers about BDSM culture

1. Are there different BDSM (sub)cultures?
   BDSM is intertwined with sexual behavior. As a result there are differences in the way, BDSM is embedded in different relationships.
   
   Gay BDSM culture is - in many ways - very different from heterosexual BDSM. There are differences between gay and lesbian BDSM culture. Within the heterosexual community, there are differences between situations where the man is dominant (Maledom) and where the female is dominant (Femdom).
   
   Switches (people who do not want/need a specific BDSM role) have their own specific things. So do people with a bi-sexual inclination.
   
   It is important and helpful to understand that one is not better than the other, but that there are differences between all these groups. Each requires its own information, since their informational needs are different.
   
   
2. Are there differences in BDSM culture?
   Yes there are, although often hard to define. A lot depends on the general social culture of different countries and regions. In oriental countries for example, although often not explicit, BDSM or power based relationships are more generally accepted.
   
   In most continental European countries - many of which have a more tolerant stance towards different sexual inclinations - BDSM is more easily accepted, hence more information is available.
   
   Also, both the lingo as well as local BDSM customs, habits and protocol may vary. The term BDSM for example is a USA-based term (although due to the Internet rapidly becoming a more international term), whereas in Europe the term will be SM. "S&M" by the way is an "outsider" term and hardly ever used within any BDSM-community.
   
   
3. Does BDSM have an influence on other cultures?
   Art, (pop)music, fashion and other areas are influenced (and often fascinated) by BDSM. In the pop-music, the pop-culture hence the adolescent icons such as Madonna and Billy Idol have undoubtedly left their BDSM-traces. In literature you will find numerous examples and not just in the novels by De Sade and Von Sacher-Masoch. You'll find hundreds of examples in the TV- and movie industry.
   
   
4. What about codes and protocol?
   There aren't any BDSM codes even though some still hang on to the complicated "hanky code" or the outdated "studs code" (high studs signal "dominant", flat studs signal "submissive").
   
   There is however quite a bit of generally accepted protocol with the "BDSM culture", such as the generally accepted rule that you do not touch without asking and negociating first. In general, BDSM-gatherings and parties are widely considered "woman friendly" and "safe" by most women. Using safewords and being safety-aware is another widely accepted protocol. So is the notion that BDSM requires education.
   
   
5. How do I know what is "done" and what is not?
   Much of the BDSM culture is no different from any other social group. What applies to society in general applies to BDSM as well. Being polite, being "social", accepting other people's opinions, boundaries and personal lives apply within the BDSM culture just as much as they do in society in general. The BDSM community is quite tolerant. But that does not mean everything, although tolerated, is accepted. Education and information are things, everyone within any BDSM culture understands. People who have been around longer quite often mentor, guide or help newcomers. "Munches" - low treshold gatherings in mainstream restaurants or bars where people meet and talk, organised by local groups - are a very effective way to get to know the (local) BDSM-community and to learn what is and is not done. They are also an effective way to get to know other - likeminded - people.
   
   
6. What should I not do?
   BDSM people are open, often somewhat exhibitionistic and usually do not mind seeing each others' bodies. But ..... all this does not mean you can touch that or no rules apply. The BDSM culture is very strict about privacy (for good reasons) and physical integrity. Just because people are open - they are not without moral standards and boundaries. You may watch, but not stick your nose in. Respecting the rights, privacy and integrity of others is a high moral standard within any BDSM culture. BDSM-people have a need to protect themselves from kickseekers, certain media and - depending on where they live - they have a need to protect (the rest of) their personal life. They will do so fiercely and for good reasons.
   
   
7. What's with these dresscodes?
   "Dresscode" - specific regulations about what to wear and what not - are a general thing in society. You do not go to work in your swimming trunks, unless you are a lifeguard, and you do not go to a funeral in your jeans. "Dresscode" within the BDSM culture was first of all designed as protection: if people have to dress up in a specific way, that will keep the kickseekers out. That still is very effective. In BDSM terms dresscode means: dress in black or dress kinky (not necessarilly "sexy" and nudity is NOT a kinky outfit). Dressing in leather or latex is usually a good option. At munches dressing in leather or outfits is not allowed at all.
   
   The other benefit of having everyone dress in a more or less similar fashion is that it creates a group atmosphere and that it spices up the atmosphere of the event or gathering.
   
   
8. If I am into BDSM, can I go everywhere?
   Different groups within the BDSM community have different habits. If you are a heterosexual submissive man it is probably not a good idea to visit events that are heterosexual maledom oriented. You will not find many dominant women there. In that same way hetero-oriented BDSM people will respect the integrity of the gay BDSM community and vice versa.
   
   
9. Why is there so much emphasys on "respect"?
   All minority groups have an intricate need to be respected. This is also true for individual members of minority groups. The fact that your inclination is respected by others to most is probably more important than your inclination being accepted. Subsequently people will assume they - as a person - are automatically respected when in what they consider to be "their own" (i.e. BDSM) environment. That is not always the case. The fact that you share (some of) the same inclination does not mean you will be respected AUTOMATICALLY. For example many, within the general BDSM-community - do not automatically accept those, who are into Gorean BDSM (BDSM based on the "Gor" novels by John Norman) for a variety of reasons. Also, the fact that you have a traumatic background may be a reason for people to offer help, but they will probably also tell you that you need to deal with the problem outside the BDSM-realm.
   
   The general attitude towards others - when there are differences of opinion - will be "YKINMK" (your kink is not my kink). This means that BOTH should respect each others' inclination and preferences, without trying to convert one to the opinions and preferences of the other.
   
   
10. What are BDSM-niches?
    BDSM is a personal thing. So are BDSM emotions, needs and opinions. We are all human beings and as such very different. There are many ways to live out your BDSM-inclination. This may be spanking, age role play, a harem fantasy, foot-fetishism, you name it. Actually, "BDSM" is an umbrella term meaning that all have "something", based on magnifying the power element. But that "something" can be very different. Fact is that eventually everyone finds his or her own "niche". Look at it this way: many people are into baseball, yet each sponsors "his or her team".