Information menu - Jump to:

About BDSM | Culture of power | Concepts | Sexually Transmitted Diseases or STD | BDSM lingo | BDSM Events & parties | BDSM Lifestyle | BDSM Safety | BDSM Attributes | Fetishism

Ten questions and answers about BDSM safety

1. What exactly is meant by BDSM safety?
   There are two forms of BDSM safety: technical/physical safety and temotional safety. The latter is probably far more important since this is what creates trust and trust, one of the pillars under any BDSM situation and relationship.
   
   
2. How do I acquire technical skills?
   Teaching is an important part of the BDSM-culture. There are tons of instructional workshops, websites, books and E-books on virtually every BDSM related subject. Another important aspect of the culture is that virtually everyone, experienced in BDSM or with some sort of skill, will only be to glad to help, advise, demonstrate or explain. All you have to do is ask.
   
   
3. Are there any tell tale signs of potentially unsafe situations?
   
   • First of all this: (self)overestimation is quite common in the BDSM-world. 100 canestrokes in your dreams are quite different from ONE actual one in the real world. Honesty is everything and if you get the feeling the "experience" of your (current) (play)partner actually only exists in his or her imagination, step away, because you are setting yourself and your partner up for disaster and desillusion. Sit down, talk again and then try again.
     
     
   • Another general beginner mistake is to place too much responsibility on the dominant's shoulders. Many, often without questioning, will simply assume the dominant knows best. Doing that is unfair and not good BDSM safety policy.
     
     
   • Being bratty or challenging a dominant is another beginner mistake and usually not much more than an attempt to hide uncertainty
     
     
   • Alcohol and recreational drugs do not belong in a BDSM situation. There is nothing against an occasional glass of wine or beer, even prior to or during BDSM activity, but you should be aware of the fact that your body will produce large quantities of adrenaline and endorphines and these are drugs too.
   
   
   
4. How do I know my partner knows what he or she is doing?
   Fact of the matter is ...... you don't.
   
   Even very experienced people may, at times, screw up. Stress at work, at home or other outside influences may have an influence on BDSM safety.
   
   A good idea is to ask around. Local BDSM communities are small worlds and people know each other.
   
   Also, ask for verifiable information (and be prepared for similar questions for yourself), such as addresses, telephone numbers and drivers lincenses.
   
   All this helps when the two of you are new to each other.
   
   
5. What is a BDSM safety network and is it useful?
   A BDSM safety network is making sure one or more people will be able to reach you (call you) while out on a first or second BDSM date and making sure they will call you to check on you while you are there.
   
   Is this a good BDSM safety measure? That is questionable. What are they they going to do if you did not answer the call? Are they going to call the police because you were visiting the bathroom and couldn't get to phone fast enough? Or you were in the middle of a scene? And if they are going to call the police, then what? BDSM safety networks are a classic example of theoretical solutions. They may prevent some mishaps, they certainly will not prevent all.
   
   The best advice is to use your own judgment and never ignore alarmsignals, no matter how minute. If you have doubts, sort them out first. Make first and second appointments on neutral ground and in crowded public places. Never ever enter into active pay during the first meetings (more than one). Get to know each other first.
   
   
6. What is the Knight in White Armor Syndrome and how is this dangerous?
   Actually, there are two equally dangerous syndromes: The Knight in White Armor and the Cinderella Syndrome.
   
   The Knight in White Armor is the dominant coming to the rescue of the submissive. He or she will (try to) sort all his/her problems out, be it trauma, financial problems, personal problems or whatever. This is a potentially dangerous situation to both. First of all: BDSM is not a cure! Nor a solution! For nothing! Medical problems belong in a medical world. Psychological problems require equally professional help. Financial problems is what banks and social workers are for.
   
   The Cinderalla Syndrome is the will to please, accept almost anything and consider this be love and - more importantly - attention. That is major mistake. If you want to please, that's fine. Nothing wrong with that. You should. But you should get something equal in return. Whiplashes are not something equal! If these are your motives, you lack self-confidence and self-esteme and probably have a problematic self-image. These things can be dealt with quite effectively by professionals, not by dominants.
   
   
7. What is emotional BDSM safety?
   Emotional BDSM safety means you feel safe enough to fully and totally be yourself. To be accepted for what you are, who you are and maybe more importantly for what you are not. This does not come on day one. In fact, it does take quite some time, even in a vanilla relationship.
   
   What we are talking about here is trust and trust requires time and very careful building, block by block. Preferably in small blocks at the time. In BDSM terms this means: go slow! Take it one step at the time. It is easy to add new blocks, introduce new things, items, emotions and experiences. It is however next to impossible to take away things that have already happened and where too much.
   
   Building trust is a delicate jugling act for both, especially in the beginning of a relationship. Give and take are things that will come later, compromising is very hard to do. Getting to know each other takes time; lots of it.
   
   
8. How do I learn to trust my own judgment and instincts?
   The Internet is very helpful thing, as far as finding information and relating to others is concerned. But it also has some major limitations. You will never ever learn to understand the complexity, impact and reality of BDSM, sitting behind your computer. You need to switch your computer off at some. You need to see people, hear people, feel people and talk to people in the flesh. You can only learn so much behind the computer. If you want to learn to swim, just reading and talking about it won't do it. At some point you will need to hit the water!
   
   
9. When the submissive is gagged, how does one use a safeword?
   The best thing to do, is to use a verbal safe signal, such as humming. Some advise to give the submissive something to hold - such as a ball - that can be dropped as a safe signal, but in practise this is not always possible and it creates an unwanted distraction. Another alternative is to use a battery operated bell or horn, so the submissive can push the button.
   
   
10. How does one quickly remove ropes and cuffs in case of an emergency?
    The fastest and easiest way to release a submissive, in case of an emergency, usually is to simply untie the knots and unbuckle cuffs. While this may seem to take a lot of time, it usually does not and is the safest and easiest way. There is a lot of talk about using bandage scissors of a knife to cut rope and cuffs. Bandage scissors - unless you use very expensive medical emergency scissors as used in hospitals - do NOT work and neither do most knives, especially when it comes to leather.